Want an emotional lift? Have that difficult conversation and get it out of your head.

Do you have a conversation going on in your head? Is there that person you keep conversing with privately, in the sanctity of your brain? Do you replay this conversation over and over?  Do you wake up in the middle of the night and continue that conversation?

Have you also experienced the relief of finally getting something off your chest? The realisation that it wasn’t as bad as you thought it was going to be? Did you discover that the other person didn’t respond as negatively as you thought that they would?  Ahh, the relief. The emotional and physical relief of dealing with an issue.

How much are we damaging ourselves when we don’t speak out, when we don’t deal with situations but sit on them? How much time and possibly money do we waste by focussing on something that is not productive?  How is this unresolved issue messing with our sleep and our overall wellbeing?

Wouldn’t it be great to deal with the issue at hand and then move on. If you have this conversation you will finally find out how the other person is going to react (no more fantasising about it) – you can then deal with that and manage the situation. The stress will be released. The conversation had. Emotional release reducing the toxic energy that goes into holding onto all those unresolved issues.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

We here at ACM can help you if you need help to take that next step, to plan that difficult conversation and then to finally deal with those issues which are holding you backing.  Have a coffee with Kate and start the process.

No-one else is responsible for how you feel. We all have to take responsibility for our feelings, our words and our actions.

When we use blaming and judgmental language against ourselves or another person we are stuck in the past. We are not looking for a solution and this will ultimately lead to a conflict.

However when we take ownership for our feelings and start to question what is going on for us and/or the other person we can then begin to move forward. What do we need in that moment; what are the needs of the other person? What questions do we need to ask of ourselves and the other person to get more clarity around the situation? What is important to me and to you? How can we move forward?

How much better would our relationships be if we stopped using judgmental/blaming language?

If-You-are-Searching-For-that-One-Person

How much conflict do you think might be caused if your little dog (with a significant under-bite) did a big wee on your 18-year-old son’s bed about 30 minutes before he intended to go to bed?

Just saying. By the way, meet Doug.

Doug

We often think of conflict being noisy; of people yelling at each other and people expressing how unhappy they are. But most conflict doesn’t look like that at all. So much conflict is silent; it is in our heads, it is not expressed. We wander around all day thinking about how terrible a situation is or how badly the other person has behaved; and we don’t say anything. Sometimes we spend hours practicing things we would like to say in our heads but more often than not we say and/or do nothing. Or worse, things get so bad that we explode and end up saying a lot of things we didn’t mean to say in a way we did not want to act.

And sometimes we think there is a conflict and there isn’t a conflict at all. We worry, we overthink the situation, we sleep badly, we make ourselves sick and often all of that angst is for nought.

I can be so paranoid that if someone rings and asks me to call them back in a formal or tense way but doesn’t say why they want me to call, I immediately think that I’ve done something wrong; that I’ve offended them in some way. I can overthink it for hours; thinking there’s a conflict between us – but there is nothing at all. I’m confident I’m not alone.

Small incidents can happen, or not happen and the person on the receiving end can read all sorts of terrible things into something that is quite innocent.

Or we can just suffer in silence. We don’t say how unfair it is that Bob gets into work late every day but leaves at 5 pm, or that Jenny always uses the last of the milk but never goes and replaces it.

There can be so many incidents that happen in a day that trigger conflict. Silent conflict – that distracts us for possibly hours every day.

Does any of this seem familiar to you?