My psychologist said to me the other day that I was burnt out.
I have done some contract work for a Government Department for nearly 20 years. It’s difficult work. The parties are usually very stressed, the decisions I make have a direct impact on people’s lives and I have had to be a bearer of bad news over and over again for 20 years. It’s reasonable to assume that it would take its toll.
I was so relieved for my psychologist to say that I was burnt out. I was glad to hear from a professional that there was a reason for why I was feeling so awful, so tired, so stressed.
I told my family and some other close friends and they all said – we have been saying this to you for ages. They said, “this is not a surprise to us.”
So why couldn’t I hear the same information from other people? Why did it take a psychologist to confirm what was as obvious as the nose on my face?
- I wasn’t ready to hear the information.
- I needed someone with authority to make the diagnosis.
- I was scared that I wasn’t as resilient as I have always thought.
I have probably been burnt out for the last couple of years. I have probably been pushing through the stress and feelings of overwhelm. I am a very hard worker. I have always worked hard – no matter what’s going on – I work hard. This was just me pushing through – again.
But the signs that things were not right when I really started struggling to sleep again. My brain would light up like a pinball machine just as I wanted to go to sleep or two hours after falling asleep. I started my night time movement from bed to couch to bed. Trying to find somewhere different, where my thoughts would change, where I could listen to music to distract me, to try and find some relief from my noisy brain.
So it is real for me now. I am dealing with burnout – again (I’ve been here before in 2014).
How to deal with this – look after me. Do what I want to do.